


wake up get up turn off your 'read' receipts

by koisurufortunecookie



Series: The Lady Thief Spinoffs [1]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Chatlogs, Gen, Genderbending, Humor, Or Is It?, Probably Some OOC, Texting, every phantom thief is a girl this time, its another chatfic fellas, not canon to the lady thief, or at least my best attempt at it, you dont have to read the lady thief to understand this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-04-17 19:09:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14195775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koisurufortunecookie/pseuds/koisurufortunecookie
Summary: Futaba: OH FUCKFutaba: AKI PROTECT MEAki: i am screenshotting this and then i am going to bed---------A spinoff of The Lady Thief detailing the nonsense that goes on in their group chat. Knowledge of The Lady Thief is not required to enjoy! All you need is an Internet connection and a willingness to watch a bunch of weird girls doing dumb things.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya! As the title suggests, this is an off-shoot of The Lady Thief. Just a big ol' goofy chatfic. Not much to say, really! If you haven't read The Lady Thief, all you need to know is that it's a rewrite of P5 where every Phantom Thief is female. For the few notes I want to make...
> 
> \- If you're already a Lady Thief reader and don't want to be spoiled on names before they're revealed in the story proper, you may want to wait!
> 
> \- These are tiny conversation snippets that aren't in any chronological order. Just mind the breaks and chat names to know when it's a whole new convo. 
> 
> \- This isn't canon. Maybe. Mostly? I don't know either. 
> 
> \- There's a ton of meme references in here, so not all of it is my original humour, but I think they're pretty obvious.
> 
> \- Please make sure to read the date above each chatfic to understand when it's happening! Or else you may be confused when Haru is suddenly there in June, without realizing that segment is set in 2017.
> 
> And with that, please enjoy this big wild animal of a fic!

_11:47pm, June 10th, 2017_

_Chat Title: thief squad (“dig yaldabaoth up and shoot him again” edition)_

_Members: Aki (@nastycrimegirl), Ryuko (@runforit1999), Ann (@notyourbabe_xo), Yume (@kitagawayume), Makoto (@niijimamakoto), Futaba (@rarepepes), Haru (@aprilshowers1998)_

**Ann** : hey guys!!!!! good news!!!

**Haru** : Oh?

**Ann** : you know how we were talking about maybe doing a trip together next month? since aki’s coming back for summer vacation and all

**Ann** : turns out im booked for a weekend shoot in okinawa during july, and my parents said i can bring you guys along since we’ll be staying there for a full week!!!

**Ann** : once im done with the actual shoot we can basically do whatever we want! we can book a penthouse suite and have it to ourselves

**Ryuko** : !!!!!!!! dude are u fr

**Ann** : yep!! does that sound good to you guys?

**Ryuko** : is the pope catholic? are fish wet? does yume dress like a suburban mom?

**Ryuko** : hell YEAH it sounds good!!!!!

**Yume** : You own a bright yellow shirt that says ‘ZOMG!’ and regularly wear a purple men’s jacket, Ryuko.

**Ann** : ajshjdhdjfjk

**Futaba** : ryuko sakamoto found dead in shibuya

**Aki** : the fox fucking killed her dude

**Ryuko** : stop mocking me with memes you dicks

**Aki** : Ψ(｀∀´#) /

**Aki** : but to ann: yeah that sounds amazing! id love to go if everyone else wants to

**Haru** : I’d certainly love to come! 

**Makoto** : As would I.

**Futaba** : sounds good to me!

**Yume** : I’m interested as well.

**Ann** : yay!!!!!

**Ann** : but while we’re on the topic of fashion, i should mention that we’re probably going to be eating at fancy restaurant at one point, so bring some nice clothes

**Ann** : so please no zomg shirts, ryuko

**Ryuko** : screw you guys

**Ryuko** : seriously who among us ACTUALLY has clothes nice enough to wear to a fancy restaurant

**Aki** : pretty much everyone except you and futaba 

**Aki** : and that’s just because she only fits into stuff from the kid’s section

**Futaba** : which has its perks! I got this kickass featherman t-shirt from the junes by the mall

**Aki** : she made me distract a family by faking a fall in the middle of the aisle so she could yoink it out of their cart

**Futaba** : listen it was the last one

**Makoto** : Futaba!

**Futaba** : sorry mom

**Makoto** : Please stop calling me that.

**Aki** : why can’t we call you mom, mom?

**Makoto** : Why do I bother.

**Ryuko** : no no no everyone hold the goddamn phone

**Yume** : We already are. That is how we are typing.

**Ryuko** : yume im going to find a way to bring back the metaverse just so i can get seiten taisei to blast you out of existence

**Yume** : There are much easier ways to kill me.

**Yume** : For example, my body is soft with no significant resistance to knives.

**Ryuko** : yeah we’re gonna test that out real fuckin soon

**Makoto** : Weren’t you going to say something before? There’s no point in getting sidetracked by threatening to kill Yume.

**Ryuko** : no yeah ur right, murder can wait 

**Makoto** : Not exactly the response I’d been hoping for, but it’s a step forwards. 

**Ryuko** : now everyone listen up because i’m about to put aki kurusu and her fashion sense on blast as punishment for grouping me in with futabas taste

**Haru** : Oh my!

**Aki** : try me, we all know im basic but theres nothing embarrassing about hoodies and jeans

**Ryuko** : that’s not what im talkin about!! 

**Ryuko** : ive seen the clothes you kept in leblanc’s attic kurusu 

**Ryuko** : the leader of the phantom thieves owns a white middriff shirt with the sleeves torn off that says HI HATER on the front and BYE HATER on the back 

**Futaba** : hey what the fuck 

**Aki** : HOW DID YOU FIND THAT

**Ryuko** : remember that time i slept over and i forgot to bring a spare pair of socks for the next day so u let me borrow yours?

**Ryuko** : well you really shouldnt have stored all your clothes in one shitty cardboard box

**Ryuko** : and because i saw all of them unless you bought a bunch of nice dresses since u went home? your jackets and sweaters hid shirts that were horrible enough to qualify as fuckin war crimes

**Futaba** : arrested for meme shirt crimes 

**Ryuko** : oh but theres more 

**Ann** : aki oh my GOD why didnt you just go shopping with me

**Aki** : HEY LISTEN I LIKE MY CLOTHES AS THEY ARE 

**Aki** : NO SHAME (⌐■_■)

**Ryuko** : i distinctly remember the booty shorts with “are you nasty” across the ass

**Aki** : ONE SHAME (⌐■_■)

**Ryuko** : and the plain white t that just said “if you’re so straight why are you still looking at me”

**Ann** : wtf i want that one

**Ann** : aki where’d you get it

**Aki** : see? the Hot Teen Model likes my shirts im doing just fine

**Ryuko** : ok that one is actually pretty good

**Ryuko** : but my point stands

**Ryuko** : people in tacky clothes houses shouldnt throw stones!!! 

**Haru** : Does that idiom apply here?

**Ryuko** : yo makoto did i use that right y/n

**Makoto** : I believe so.

**Ryuko** : fuckin A thx makoto

**Makoto** : … You’re welcome?

**Aki** : alright so maybe i dont have anything overly formal to wear

**Aki** : still more stylin than you (and my are you nasty shorts are ART thanks)

**Yume** : They most certainly are not.

**Aki** : hey yume

**Yume** : Yes?

**Aki** : shut up 

**Ann** : woah woah guys wait i have an idea

**Ann** : nobody has to dress nice at the restaurant 

**Ann** : on one condition 

**Makoto** : May I hazard a guess? 

**Ann** : go ahead!

**Makoto** : It is not a condition I will enjoy.

**Ann** : dingdingding WE HAVE A WINNER

**Ann** : we all wear [ these shirts ](https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0727/8091/files/gay-cat-turtleneck2.png?v=1483868704) but with morganas face on it

**Ann** : THEY CANT KICK ALL OF US OUT

**Futaba** : YES 

**Aki** : even if you guys didnt want to id make you all wear those

**Aki** : authority as the leader baby

**Yume** : You are not an infant, much less the leader of any group of infants.

**Aki** : A) i missed one coma you dick and B) i’m not always so sure about that

**Aki** : so anyways: thoughts?

**Makoto** : Well, I don’t see the harm in some innocent fun.

**Haru** : Oh! Let’s make sure to pick a cute photo to show Mona-chan’s best side!

**Ryuko** : man you do not realize the point of these shirts

**Ryuko** : also im in

**Yume** : As long as I’m not paying for it.

**Ann** : nice!!!! aki can u send me a good pic of morgana

**Ann** : aki?

**Aki** : hi sorry morgana saw what we were typing in the chat and clawed the shit out of my hands so im typing this from the bathroom

**Aki** : that hasnt deterred me in the slightest but it might make getting her picture hard

**Aki** : but i will DIE FOR MY ART HERE GOES

**Haru** : … It has been ten minutes since her last response…

**Yume** : Morgana has finally made good on her threats and murdered one of us. Who will be next in her rampage?

**Makoto** : Where are you getting that idea from?!

**Futaba** : well lets wait til tomorrow and if theres no response we’ll call the inaba police to report death by cat thing 

_The next day_

**Aki** : [hospitalselfie.jpg]

**Aki** : i lived bitch

\------------------------------------------------------------  


_4:52pm, February 25th, 2017_  

_Chat Title: thief squad (“masayoshi shido retire bitch” edition)_

_Members: Aki (@nastycrimegirl), Ryuko (@runforit1999), Ann (@notyourbabe_xo), Yume (@kitagawayume), Makoto (@niijimamakoto), Futaba (@rarepepes), Haru (@aprilshowers1998)_

**Aki** : and before i forget! yesterday was super fun, and haru, it was really nice of you to arrange for your driver to take everyone to suidobashi. i think we all needed a big celebration now that we can all be together again!

**Yume** : Indeed. I am in your debt for saving me the train fare.

**Haru** : It’s no problem at all! I’m just glad I could help. You guys really are my thots :)

**Ryuko** : what

**Ann** : uh

**Haru** : Is something wrong?

**Futaba** : OH NO YOU ACTUALLY DID IT

**Futaba** : I THOUGHT YOU KNEW I WAS JOKING

**Ann** : ????

**Aki** : futaba what did you do

**Futaba** : I TOLD HARU THOT STANDS FOR “THAT HOMIE OVER THERE” AND THAT ALL THE COOl KIDS NOWADAYS USE IT TO REFER TO THEIR FRIENDS

**Aki** : FUTABA NO

**Ann** : AJKHFJKHSDAFHER;DJ 

**Ann** : IM FKLLAUGHING SO HARD IJM GONNA THORW UP

**Aki** : oh my god

**Haru** : Is that not what it means? 

**Ryuko** : christ almighty

**Ann** : AAAAaaaaaaa ok ok im not wheezing anymore

**Ann** : futaba was messing with you, haru. if you call someone a thot it means you think they’re… well promiscuous.

**Yume** : Ah, is that the case?

**Yume** : I had simply assumed that she had misspelled ‘Thoth’.

**Aki** : … as in the persona i got in futaba’s palace? the monkey one? (・∧‐)ゞ

**Aki** : morgana wants to know why you thought she’d be calling us a random persona

**Yume** : Thoth is responsible for maintaining the universe and settling disputes between gods in Egyptian mythology. He also opposes the god of evil, Seth, and stands with Osiris and Isis, the gods of all that is good. I assumed Haru was making a reference to our own fight against evil as the Phantom Thieves.

**Aki** : that… is surprisingly accurate. do you look up information on every persona i get?

**Yume** : Indeed I do. Always a learning opportunity to be had, no?

**Aki** : i dont even know that much about thoth and he literally lives in my head

**Ryuko** : that still makes no fuckin sense dude

**Haru** : Oh my goodness, I’m very sorry! I had no idea it meant something negative.

**Ann** : it’s ok! I dont think anyones actually mad 

**Ryuko** : yeah its cool, made me laugh lmao 

**Futaba** : i’m sorry for confusing you! the teasing voice i was imagining when i typed it prooooobably didnt get across so well in text…

**Aki** : dw about it haru! it was pretty funny, nobody’s upset

**Haru** : Thank goodness. I suppose it is a bit humorous!

**Ann** : is makoto here btw? she’s been really quiet. 

**Yume** : Could she be at a student council meeting? 

**Aki** : nope, we rode the train back together, so she’s definitely not still there

**Haru** : … Oh no!

**Ann** : what’s wrong? 

**Haru** : I may be the reason she’s not looking at this chat right now…

**Ryuko** : whaddya mean? 

**Haru** : Um… I feel it may be easier if I simply pasted my last private message to her.

**Haru** : “Thank you kindly, Mako-chan! You’re such a thot.” 

**Haru** : No wonder she didn’t reply…

**Ann** : JDSHKJHFJKHFKJF

**Futaba** : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THIS IS THE WORST POSSIBLE OUTCOME

**Futaba** : HOW’D IT COME TO THIS

**Ryuko** : OH MY GOD

**Haru** : Ahhh! I’m going to go apologize and explain myself!

**Ann** : FUTABA ONCE MAKOTO FINDS OUT YOU DID THIS TO HARU OF ALL PEOPLE YOU’RE DOOMED

**Yume** : It was fun while it lasted, Futaba. Goodbye.

**Futaba** : OH FUCK 

**Futaba** : AKI PROTECT ME

**Aki** : i am screenshotting this and then i am going to bed

 

\------------------------------------------------------------

 

_3:29am, October 9th, 2016_

_Private Chat_  

_Chat Members: Futaba [@rarepepes], Aki [@nastycrimegirl]_  


**Futaba** : you know that furby you got from the second hand shop near leblanc

**Futaba** : do you care if i take the skin off it

**Futaba** : i want to make him a god. once he is free of his sinful flesh, he can begin the path towards enlightenment. he will take care of us.

**Futaba** : also i want to softhack its circuits 

**Aki** : i literally could not care less but please never say anything as frightening as that ever again

 

\------------------------------------------------------------

 

_6:08pm, October 12th, 2016_

_Private chat_  

_Chat Members: Ann (@notyourbabe_xo), Makoto (@niijimamakoto)_  


**Ann** : oh, and you never answered my question earlier! 

**Ann** : what had you all smiley at today’s meeting? you looked so happy the whole time, it was super duper obvious that something good happened! 

**Makoto** : It was just a good day for me. Not to mention it’s very healthy to smile often.

**Ann** : makoto i know you too well, that is not what had you smiling 

**Ann** : spill the deets

**Makoto** : …

**Makoto** : I saw Akechi trip and fall getting off the train.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

_8:35pm, July 4th, 2016_

_Chat Title_ : _thief squad (“kokoro akechi ace DEFECTIVE” edition)_

_Members: Aki (@nastycrimegirl), Ryuko (@runforit1999), Ann (@notyourbabe_xo), Makoto (@niijimamakoto), Yume (@kitagawayume)_  


**Aki** : in all seriousness though, i’m so happy you’ve joined the team, makoto!

**Aki** : now that you’ve stolen your first treasure, it feels like you’re officially part of the phantom thieves (๑>ᴗ<๑)

**Makoto** : Thank you very much. I’m looking forwards to pursuing our justice together.

**Yume** : May I chime in? 

**Aki** : it’s a group chat after all, so yeah

**Yume** : Makoto joining has been a great benefit to us not only in battle, but for our own personal camaraderie. I’m exceptionally thankful that we’ve gained such a clever, thoughtful teammate. 

**Makoto** : That’s very kind of you to say, Yume.

**Ann** : awww, thats a nice thing to say! im happy to have makoto too!

**Yume** : Yes, we are all very thankful for you.

**Yume** : Unlike a certain other teammate of ours.

**Ryuko** : jesus christ can you just not be a petty bitch for ONCE kitagawa

**Aki** : hoo boy here we go

**Makoto** : If an argument is about to start, please try and be calm about it.

**Yume** : Ryuko’s inconsiderate behaviour has all but extinguished my ability to remain fully calm.

**Yume** : It is truly a challenge to express my intense distaste for her at the moment, particularly through text.

**Aki** : use emojis, those are kinda like using pictures to express emotions

**Yume** : Ah! What a clever workaround.

**Makoto** : Solving an argument through emojis…?

**Yume** : Very well. This is how I feel about Ryuko.

**Yume** : ༎ຶ_༎ຶ 

**Ann** : JESUS FUCKING CHRIST YUME 

**Ann** : WH. WHY DID YOU PICK ONE WITH BLEEDING EYES

**Yume** : It represents the twist of bitterness and betrayal inside my heart, feeling unappreciated yet lacking a proper method to express such demoralizing emotions. Thus, they are expressed not through the mouth, which is closed in an act of symbolism, but rather through the pained eyes. 

**Ann** : THE BLEEDING EYES WERE STILL NOT NECESSARY NOT EVEN A BIT

**Aki** : did you just try to make a deep art piece out of an emoji

**Aki** : also i changed my mind from before. yume, i’m using my authority as leader to forbid you from using emojis in chat ever again 

**Yume** : That is fair. 

**Makoto** : She agreed that easily?

**Ryuko** : oh fuck you yume

**Ryuko** : here’s what I think of you!!!!

**Ryuko** : ୧༼◔益◔╭∩╮༽

**Ann** : WHY ARE THERE SO MANY EMOJIS LIKE THIS

**Yume** : How uncouth…!

**Aki** : ryuko’s banned too. both of you please stop hurting my emoji babies

**Makoto** : What were the two of you even arguing about in the first place to warrant this?

**Yume** : Ryuko’s inconsiderate behaviour. 

**Yume** : I sent her an eleven minute long video and she responded with “cool thx for showin me i liked it”

**Ann** : … so what’s the problem?

**Yume** : She sent this thirty seven seconds after I sent the message. 

**Ryuko** : UM FEELS LIKE UR LEAVING OUT A CRUCIAL PART OF THE STORY KITAGAWA

**Ryuko** : IT WAS AN ELEVEN MINUTE… DOCUMENTARY? I THINK? ON FUCKING LOBSTERS

**Ryuko** : I SAY I THINK BECAUSE IT WAS IN ENGLISH!!!!!! YOU DONT EVEN SPEAK THAT LANGUAGE!!!!!!!

**Yume** : [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1e7zEYgaFho ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1e7zEYgaFho) 

**Yume** : Beauty of this caliber extends beyond languages.

**Yume** : Also, Ann. Could you translate this?

**Ann:** then what was all that about extending beyond languages?!

**Ann** : also i’m not translating an eleven minute long lobster documentary bc i love myself 

**Ann** : (yes ryuko that’s what it is, at least from what little i watched)

**Ryuko** : sweet, suck it chouno you got no business givin me 47% when im an english genius

**Aki** : me @ everyone if we don’t all stop arguing about a goddamn lobster documentary right this very moment ┌( ͝° ͜ʖ͡°)=ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿

**Makoto** : Is it always like this when the stress of a Palace isn’t present?

**Aki** : morgana says “yes. welcome to hell”

 

\------------------------------------------------------------

 

_1:04pm, November 6th, 2016_  

_Chat Title: thief squad (“SHOW ME YOUR TRUE FORM” edition)_

_Members: Aki (@nastycrimegirl), Ryuko (@runforit1999), Ann (@notyourbabe_xo), Yume (@kitagawayume), Makoto (@niijimamakoto), Futaba (@rarepepes), Haru (@aprilshowers1998), Kokoro (@akechikokoro)_

**Futaba** : good morning fuckers guess what i can do

**Makoto** : It’s one in the afternoon.

**Futaba** : well i just woke up so its morning

**Haru** : Oh goodness! Were you up late? 

**Futaba** : up all night gettin mad pussy son

**Aki** : okay firstly if you ever say that within a twenty kilometer radius of haru again im going to strangle you

**Aki** : and secondly you facetimed me at three am sobbing hysterically bc one of your anime girlfriends died in the latest episode so somehow i doubt it

**Futaba** : hey. hey aki

**Aki** : what

**Futaba** : bitch

**Aki** : (ʘдʘ╬)

**Futaba** : also if u all would like to shut the fuck your mouths for a few minutes im gonna show u my new power

_Futaba (@rarepepes) is now the chat administrator_

**Futaba** : admin powers baby

**Haru** : Oh! Very nice!

**Futaba** : haru u got no idea what that means do u

**Haru** : Maybe so.

**Futaba** : well to make a long story short im basically god now

**Futaba** : for example i can strip thou of all identity, replace thee with another, destroy thy existence!!!!

**Makoto** : literally wtf are u talking about

**Makoto** : wait wtf

**Makoto** : IM NOT MAKOTO IM RYUKO

**Makoto** : WHY IS THIS MY CHAT NAME NOW

**Futaba** : swapped all your names at random fuckers

**Kokoro** : futaba how come youre such a plague upon this chat

**Kokoro** : also this is aki fyi

**Kokoro** : since i guess im kokoro now

**Ryuko** : Who am I? 

**Ryuko** : Oh! Ryuko! How lovely!

**Yume** : I take that the person above me is Haru? 

**Ryuko** : Yes! My apologies, I forgot to mention that. 

**Yume** : This is Kokoro, for the record! ღゝ◡╹)ノ♡

**Haru** : this is ann poppin in to say that kokoros emoticons are always so much cuter than akis 

**Kokoro** : I RESENT THAT 

**Haru** : wow this is getting confusing fast 

**Aki** : What on earth is going on?

**Aki** : And why am I Aki?

**Makoto** : bc futaba is an awful little goblin

**Aki** : Who on earth is using my name?! 

**Makoto** : ryuko, and listen im not jazzed about this shit either

**Ann** : I do not like this one bit, Futaba. Change it back.

**Futaba** : oh boo hoo inari!!!! how come we only ever get to have fun on your terms

**Futaba** : also u should be happy now that youve become ~your muse~ or whatever 

**Haru** : DONT CALL ME THAT!!!!!! 

**Yume** : Even I’m starting to get confused by all this.

**Ann** : !!!!!!!!!! Thief! Thief of my identity!

**Yume** : I promise you that this is an unintentional borrowing, Yume. 

**Futaba** : actually i have a better idea for this chat

**Futaba** : ok i changed ur names again

**Futaba** : Thank you.

**Futaba** : Wait a moment.

**Futaba** : THIS ISNT CHANGING IT BACK, FUTABA

**Futaba** : I have no idea who’s talking anymore…! 

**Futaba** : okay so we’re just all futaba now 

**Futaba** : this is worse 

**Futaba** : seriously the futaba three messages up has the right idea, literally who has contributed to the conversation so far 

**Futaba** : Who are you?

**Futaba** : who are you?????

**Futaba** : Are you the same Futaba who just spoke, or a different one?!

**Futaba** : MY IDEAL WORLD REALIZED

**Futaba** : okay that ones the real futaba

**Futaba** : im getting a goddamn migraine looking at this

**Futaba** : im not even kidding idk whos spoken so far. either haru kokoro yume or makoto has to have spoken at least once since there was actually some proper punctuation a few times but that doesnt narrow it down. what the fucks going on in my group chat

**Futaba** : I don’t want to be associated with such a vulgar girl in name! 

**Futaba** : okay we know that ones yume 

**Futaba** : Though now we don’t know what further messages are going to be from her… Everyone’s blending in.

**Futaba** : To be honest, this is a bit amusing! 

**Futaba** : aaaaaaand that ones kokoro bc only a lunatic would find this fun

**Futaba** : Ahaha, comfortable enough with me already for friendly insults? That makes me happy!

**Futaba** : ‘friendly’? is that what you think? hm ◔_◔

**Futaba** : hmmmmmmm what else can i change you to

**Futaba** : lets go with this!

**back at it again at the crepe stand** : what did you do now

**back at it again at the crepe stand** : ARE YOU SERIOUS FUTABA

**hi welcome to leblanc** : absolutely unacceptable

**look at all those crows!** : I’m afraid I don’t understand the meaning behind these titles?

**welcome back to yume screaming** : Nor do I, but it is preferable to being named Futaba.

**welcome back to yume screaming** : I do not scream!

**i hate this damn ass bitch morgana** : i mean not to defend this little cretin but you scream more often than you think

**i hate this damn ass bitch morgana** : yo mines not so bad actually

**HARU!** : These are some… creative names!

**walla walla lipstick in my shujin black bag?!** : Yours is just your name but capitalized. 

**Futaba** : REFERENCES MY DUDES

**hi welcome to leblanc** : ive been fucking googling how to use this stupid app for like ten minutes and your reign of terror ends here futaba

_hi welcome to leblanc (@nastycrimegirl) is now the chat administrator_

**Futaba** : NOOOOOOO

**back at it again at the crepe stand** : oh thank god

**walla walla lipstick in my shujin black bag?!** : So you can change our names back now? 

**Aki** : yep yep they should be back to normal (￣ー￣)ｂ

**Aki** : Thank you kindly, Aki!

**Aki** : Oh dear.

**Aki** : NO NO NO NO UNTHINKABLE

**Aki** : (★≧▽^))★☆

**Aki** : OH AKI MY SWEET PROTEGE IM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR CARRYING ON MY STEED

**Aki** : top 10 anime betrayals

**Aki** : I hate this fucking team and each and every one of the people on it. 

**Aki** : who the hell was that?! 

**Aki** : You’ll never know (‘∀’●)♡

 

\------------------------------------------------------------

 

_8:51pm, September 9th, 2016_

_Chat Title: thief squad (“yall ugly! *fades away into metaverse*” edition)_  

**Aki** : HAWAII BABY!!!! mishima will not leave me the fuck alone

**Ryuko** : god shes still on about the phansite even here? 

**Futaba** : i peeked into the sites’ records and shes been logged in for like seven hours today

**Aki** : yuuuuup. starting to think she might be allergic to the sunlight bc ive seen her leave the room like twice this trip. maybe shes a vampire ◥(ฅº￦ºฅ)◤

**Aki** : im typing this from the lobby bc staying in my room rn means im not getting a moments peace

**Aki** : luckily in my GENIUS DISGUISE she’ll never recognize me even if she comes down here 

**Ann** : idk if you see me aki but im literally ten feet away from you in the same lobby 

**Ann** : guys she’s wearing a bikini, dramatically sipping a mocktail, and wearing those fucking alien shades

**Ann** : [ these ones ](https://www.windycitynovelties.com/media/catalog/product//images/GLS011DZ_Alien-Sunglasses_model_2016.jpeg)

**Aki** : like i said: stealthy

**Ann** : and are you wearing your normal glasses over the fucking shades?

**Ann** : you could not stand out more if you tried 

**Makoto** : I see nothing has changed despite us being in Hawaii. 

**Makoto** : Isn’t anyone doing any vacation-related things you can’t do at home? 

**Aki** : hey this isnt the same!!

**Aki** : im chillin in my swimsuit while not at the pool here but id never waltz through shibuya just wearing this

**Makoto** : Yes you would.

**Aki** : u right

**Yume** : Nightmarish, Aki.

**Aki** : thx bby

**Yume** : Don’t do that.

**Yume** : And to the contrary, Makoto! I’ve enjoyed many experiences I couldn’t have in Japan.

**Yume** : For example, I discovered both the sweet and sour sides of ocean life.

**Ann** : oooooooh! you tried some local cuisine?

**Makoto** : No, she did not.

**Makoto** : I had to physically pry that octopus off your leg when you waded into the water without looking, Yume. There is no sweet side to that, only sourness.

**Yume** : His name is Claude Monet the Eighth, thank you, and he was simply another artistic soul that recognized my talent.

**Makoto** : THE OCTOPUS HAD A BEAK, YUME. 

**Futaba** : no youre right inari!!! the octopus wants to be your friend, you should totally go stick it to your body like in the least sexy hentai ever again

**Futaba** : just make sure you facetime me when you do

**Makoto** : Please don’t encourage this behaviour. I don’t want to pry any more ocean creatures off you all.

**Futaba** : boooooo ur no fun 

**Futaba** : anyways did anything else fun happen in hawaii so far 

**Aki** : ann ate sand today 

**Futaba** : sounds delicious and nutritious  

**Ann** : it wasnt either of those things!!!! i was running towards the water and tripped on the beach

**Ann** : and then when ryuko came over to help me get up she was laughing so hard that she tripped too

**Aki** : i sat on my beach chair, drank a smoothie, and watched

**Ryuko** : yeah u fucking suck 

**Aki** : are you still mad that i drew a dick on your back in sunscreen

**Ryuko** : YES IM STILL MAD

**Futaba** : AKI SEND PICS

**Ryuko** : DONT YOU FUCKING DARE

**Aki** : [pengissunburn.jpg]

**Futaba** : ITS EVERYTHING I COULD HAVE HOPED FOR

**Ryuko** : YOU DIE TONIGHT KURUSU

**Makoto** : As a chaperone, I ask that you please don’t murder anyone.

**Ann** : wait hold on 

**Ann** : im still in the lobby ryukos running out of the elevator

**Ann** : shes in her pajamas, nice shorts idiot

**Ann** : akis not even looking at her phone shes jusRYUKO JUST TACKLED HER OUT OF THE CHAIR

**Ann** : THE MOCKTAIL HAS SPILLED

**Ann** : THE SUNGLASSES HAVE SKIDDED ACROSS THE FLOOR 

**Futaba** : BEST FIGHT COMMENTARY EVER

**Makoto** : Is it really a fight when someone starts it with a suckerpunch?

**Futaba** : its a fight, just not a fair one

  **Makoto** : I’m on my way down now, but Ann, can you please intervene? Aki deserves to get smacked a few times, but I don’t think Shujin should be remembered at this hotel as “the school of the inappropriately dressed kids who got into a fight in the lobby”.

**Yume** : Agreed. This is just uncivilized.

**Ann** : hey yume try and guess whos gonna win, if u get it right ill buy u yakiniku

**Yume** : In that case, Aki.

**Futaba** : everyones got a price i see

**Makoto** : I want this vacation to end.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to delete and repost this chapter bc only like 1/4 posted. im mad
> 
> But in any case, thank you guys so much for the kind reviews! I'm sorry I didn't get to responding for most of them, I put it off and then it was too late to reply without being weird.
> 
> I'll basically be updating this thing whenever I have enough content to post, so it'll be pretty sporadic. Maybe not as long as last time, but still!

_6:52pm, November 15th, 2016_

_Chat Title: thief squad (“if this shadow doesn’t kill you i will” edition)_

_Members: Aki (@nastycrimegirl), Ryuko (@runforit1999), Ann (@notyourbabe_xo), Yume (@kitagawayume), Makoto (@niijimamakoto), Futaba (@rarepepes), Haru (@aprilshowers1998), Kokoro (@akechikokoro)_

 

**Aki** : alright akechi it’s official

**Aki** : you’ve lost private chat privileges and now you better work it out with the group

**Kokoro** : Ah, this really isn’t necessary, Kurusu-chan!

**Futaba** : ohoho something about the way you typed that indicates youre a lil worried akechi

**Futaba** : whatd she do

**Aki** : listen akechi we can do this one of two ways

**Aki** : you can tell everyone what you did or i can post a screenshot

**Kokoro** : This really! Isn’t! Necessary! Kurusu! Chan!

**Ann** : if she wont confess then SPILL! THOSE! DEETS!

**Haru** : Oh! My! Goodness! This! Is! A! Fun! Way! To! Type!

**Aki** : man typing like that is a pain to read tho

**Aki** : anyways since it looks like akechi isnt planning on confessing, i’ll just blast you myself

**Aki** : [ https://cdn.ifaketextmessage.com/convos/2018/04/iphone-XMvi.png ](https://cdn.ifaketextmessage.com/convos/2018/04/iphone-XMvi.png)

**Ann** : JKDSKJDS WHAT

**Ryuko** : OH MY GOOOOOOOOD

**Kokoro:** I CAN EXPLAIN

**Yume** : Kokowo Akechi… An interesting take on her name indeed.

**Kokoro** : I can’t even tell if you’re being serious or not, Kitagawa-chan...

**Futaba:** firstly can we appreciate the phone percentage

**Aki** : nice

**Ryuko** : nice

**Ann** : nice

**Haru** : Nice!

**Makoto** : Are you even aware of why they’re saying that, Haru?

**Haru** : Haha!

**Haru** : No, not really. I just like to join the fun.

**Makoto** : Just checking to make sure Futaba didn’t teach you anything strange again.

**Futaba:** gasps!!!!!!

**Futaba** : makoto i would NEVER teach our fluffy angel anything inappropriate!!!

**Makoto** : The ovipositioning incident.

**Futaba** : okay maybe I taught her ONE inappropriate thing but it was for the greater good

**Makoto** : How?!

**Futaba** : cause it was funny as hell watching ann spit her coffee all over everyone at the table when haru mentioned it

**Ann** : we had to pay for that wrecked tablecloth!!!

**Futaba** : like I said: funny as hell

**Ryuko** : i still don’t know what the fuck ovipositioning means

**Futaba** : well you see ryuko when a cute anime girl and a tentacle thing love each other very much

**Aki** : by allah, not in this chat you don’t

**Aki** : ovipositioning talk is now banned

**Aki** : futaba if you bring it up again im telling everyone about the incident with the soba noodles and the catherine dakimakura

**Futaba** : YOU WOULDNT DARE

**Aki** : try me

**Ryuko** : SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS OVIPOSITIONING?!?!?

**Futaba** : google it

**Aki:** DO NOT DO THAT

**Aki** : anyways speaking of googling our nonstop yammering has distracted from the main situation

**Aki** : kokoro akechi

**Aki** : explain the hitachi

**Kokoro** : I promise it was entirely innocent! You’re blowing this incident out of proportion, Kurusu-chan.

**Aki** : then explain it

**Kokoro** : No.

**Ann** : the detective has become the……… detected? maybe?

**Ann** : not my best work sorry guys

**Makoto** : You’ll get it next time.

**Ryuko** : can someone just fucking tell me what ovipositioning is? i don’t wanna be left out of a secret or whatever!!!

**Aki** : ryuko, not the time. never the time. but especially not now.

**Aki** : also akechi you are a terrible fucking liar

**Kokoro** : If you say so.

**Aki** : (¬_¬)

**Aki** : explain the context to the chat before I sicc futaba on all your personal devices to have her find it herself

**Futaba** : all your bank information and weird pornography habits will be mine buttmunch

**Kokoro** : I have perfectly normal tastes!

**Kokoro** : … You’re just goading me into digging a deeper hole, aren’t you?

**Futaba** : it’s our speciality

**Kokoro** : Fine. But let me tell you something upfront.

**Kokoro** : The context of these texts are not embarrassing to _me_.

**Kokoro** : I avoided telling you all for your own sakes, but you’re apparently too insistent on harming yourselves, so here.

**Kokoro** : [ https://cdn.ifaketextmessage.com/convos/2018/06/iphone-V5hj.png ](https://cdn.ifaketextmessage.com/convos/2018/06/iphone-V5hj.png)

**Kokoro** : [ https://cdn.ifaketextmessage.com/convos/2018/06/iphone-l6hj.png ](https://cdn.ifaketextmessage.com/convos/2018/06/iphone-l6hj.png)

**Kokoro** : This was brought on yourselves, for the record. I will take no responsibility.

**Futaba** : HAHA HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIT

**Ann** : KJSDHKJDSHKDSJHFSKJ

**Aki** : OH JESUS I WAS EXPECTING LIKE SOME WEIRD TEXT FROM A BOYFRIEND

**Aki** : NOT. THIS.

**Makoto** : What.

**Haru** : Oh dear.

**Ryuko** : oh fuck

**Haru** : That works as well.

**Makoto** : Akechi, _what._

**Akechi** : I did warn you.

**Akechi** : No, I don’t understand either. I am somewhat troubled by it as well…

**Akechi** : I can’t recall any case where a personal massager would be of interest. Of course, she could be… No, that’s too much.

**Makoto** : If you’ll all excuse me, I have some business to attend to.

**Makoto** : Please don’t come by my neighbourhood for a bit.

**Makoto** : Though if you must, please ignore the sound of me screaming and banging my head against a wall to remove the concept Akechi has presented from my mind. I need the brain damage.

**Ann** : oh god shes gonna kill something. possibly just her brain cells but still

**Ann** : shes the only smart person on this team we cant afford this

**Futaba** : press f to pay respects

**Aki** : akechi you KNEW that would happen didn’t you

**Kokoro** : What, did you want her hanging around the chat after that news broke? I had to turn her mind in a direction so troubling she wouldn’t be focused on us anymore.

**Kokoro** : Her anger could have burned a hole through all of our phones.

**Aki** : you know what thats valid

**Haru** : This chat is no longer a matter of ‘if’ we will give Mako-chan brain damage, but of ‘when’.

**Ann** : the fact that shes still hanging out with us after these past few months makes me think we’ve already done something irreversibly terrible to her

**Ryuko** : whats that say about the original four of us then?

**Aki** : we were already stupid before all the thief stuff

**Ryuko** : hey!!!!!!

**Ann** : don’t treat us like idiots just because we’re stupid!!!

**Akechi** : Hmmm.

**Futaba** : speaking of stupid, wheres inari at

**Haru** : Perhaps she did not wish to be witness to this incident?

**Ryuko** : i cant blame her

**Yume** : No, I am here.

**Yume** : I was simply distracted.

**Futaba** : what could possibly be more interesting than watching kokoro akechi leak hot prosecutor hitachi discussions

**Aki** : if makoto reads the chatlog you’re dead

**Futaba** : the last time she came into my house she got one step in before screaming and clinging to your leg like a koala

**Futaba** : i think im safe as long as i stay here

**Yume** : Many things are more interesting than discussing back massagers.

**Ann** : sweet innocent yume

**Yume** : I took it upon myself to search up ‘ovipositioning’, and I’m intrigued! What a fascinating genre of art.

**Ann** : i retract my previous statement

**Aki** : oh my god this cannot be happening in my fucking group chat

**Yume** : The blend of concepts presented in these individual artworks are something I had never even considered! All of it delicately comes together to induce a sense of curiosity in the viewer, something which will certainly inspire them to dig further into the art form. How impressive!

**Futaba** : jesus fucking christ inari

**Ryuko** : yume fucking PM me some links or whatever none of these other jerkoffs will tell me what it is

**Akechi** : Firstly, don’t, and secondly: why haven’t you simply googled it yourself yet?

**Ryuko** : i tried!!!! I think my mom turned on safesearch on this phone a while back and its blocking the results

**Ann** : you realize thats a warning of whats to come right

**Yume** : Very well, Ryuko. I have messaged you several links and images.

**Ryuko** : thanks yume ur the best

**Aki** : wait for it

**Futaba** : any minute now

**Ryuko** : yume ur the worst

**Ann** : boom goes the dynamite

**Akechi** : I always used to wonder what went on in the messages of the most wanted criminal group in Japan.

**Aki** : did you expect bullying for hitachi info and the destruction of all innocence?

**Akechi** : To be honest, yes, kind of.

 

 

_3:58pm, May 13th, 2016_

_Chat Title: thief squad (“you are. STEALINK. my HEART……” edition)_

_Chat Members: Aki [@nastycrimegirl], Ryuko [@runforit1999], Ann (@notyourbabe_xo)_

 

**Aki** : ugghhhhhh i hate math (ﾉಠдಠ)ﾉ︵┻━┻

**Ann** : ikr?!?!

**Ann** : at least everything’s over for now

**Aki** : yeah thats true

**Aki** : yo ryuko how do u think u did

**Ryuko** : on what?

**Aki** : the math exam

**Ryuko** : thats not til tomorrow

**Ann** : ????? ryuko what day do you think it is

**Ryuko** : sunday may 14th, its our day off? duh

**Aki** : its saturday may 13th, the exam was today. ann and i just got back from writing it

**Ann** : ?!??!?!?!!?

**Aki** : RYUKO

**Aki** : [ _FaceTiming Initiated]_

**Aki** : [ _FaceTiming Request Timed Out. Please Try Again Later.]_

**Ann** : RYUKO NO

**Aki** : we killed her

**Aki** : i cant go back to jail

 

 

_11:25am, September 9th, 2017_

_Chat Title: thief squad (“god…. is a cup. holds us prisoner” edition)_

_Members: Aki (@nastycrimegirl), Ryuko (@runforit1999), Ann (@notyourbabe_xo), Yume (@kitagawayume), Makoto (@niijimamakoto), Futaba (@rarepepes), Haru (@aprilshowers1998)_

 

**Yume** : It has been almost one week since our team sleepover.

**Haru** : Oh, you’re right! It was very fun!

**Aki** : it was! im sad summers over and im in inaba again, but it was a great way to top off an amazing vacation

**Makoto** : As always, Ann was a wonderful hostess.

**Ann** : awww, thank you so much!!!!!!!

**Yume** : This does bring me to a situation that I had hoped would simply resolve itself in time.

**Haru** : What’s wrong, Yume-rin?

**Ryuko** : that nickname is way cuter than what she deserves

**Yume** : I believe there is a thief among us.

**Aki** : uh

**Aki** : yeah?

**Aki** : like thats kind of our whole thing

**Aki** : check the group chat title

**Yume** : Not like that.

**Yume** : One of you absconded with my only bra.

**Yume** : School starts in two days, and I have a white uniform shirt.

**Yume** : Please return it post-haste.

**Ryuko** : oh my fucking god

**Ann** : unbelievable

**Makoto** : What exactly have you been doing for the week leading up until today?!

**Yume** : I have borrowed one from one of you.

**Futaba** : who the heck lent you their bra?

**Yume** : It was more of a ‘borrowed without asking’ situation.

**Yume** : I picked the first one I could find from the mess of clothing we’d left before getting into pajamas the night before, put it on, and left.

**Haru** : Wouldn’t that make you the thief…?

**Yume** : Perish the thought! I will certainly return it.

**Yume** : Though it’s quite aesthetically pleasing.

**Ann** : oh my GOD yume please describe it so we can find out whos bra you jacked

**Yume** : It is from Veronica’s Confidant, the tag states that it is a 36D, and it is red lace and silk with too many straps for my tastes. The pushup cups are quite uncomfortable against my skin, I have found.

**Futaba** : alright whos the thot

**Ann** : okay very rude, but also i am going to roast whoever owns that

**Aki** : wtf YUME GIVE ME MY FUCKING BRA BACK???????

**Futaba** : yeah that adds up

**Ann** : ohohoho! whos the special someone you bought that for?

**Aki** : oh shut up you jerks its fucking cute as hell

**Aki** : also uh, i feel weird bringing this up so i guess id better approach the topic carefully

**Aki** : yume kitagawa you’re the human equivalent of a washing board and that bra does not come within two miles of fitting you

**Makoto** : The tact and grace expected from the leader of the Phantom Thieves.

**Aki** : im not wrong

**Makoto** : … It’s true, but you shouldn’t say it.

**Futaba** : is that a fucking meme reference or are you just literally marge simpson

**Makoto** : What?

**Futaba** : okay so yes literally marge simpson

**Yume** : True as it may be, it was my only option.

**Aki** : you literally could have taken futabas or ryukos or something like those would be a lot more comfortable than carrying two open tupperware containers under your shirt

**Ryuko** : hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Futaba** : flat is JUSTICE! no pettanko no life!!!!!!!!!! JUSTICE!!!!!!!!

**Ryuko** : god you’re gross as hell i dont like being on the same side as you about this

**Aki** : i never said you werent cute morons i just said you dont have boobs

**Makoto** : Haru, how is your day going?

**Makoto** : Better than mine, I hope.

**Haru** : It is going very well! I’m watching a group of international criminals prove that they are teenage girls in the end. It’s cute! I like conversations like this!

**Makoto** : I would kill for just a sliver of your optimism.

**Ann** : in the end, boobs are actually pretty inconvenient

**Ann** : back pain, finding button ups that fit, cross-body bag straps become your arch nemesis, etc etc

**Aki** : oh man tell me about it

**Aki** : i remember once i was wearing this cute long necklace and it just dangled over my boobs like a fucking cat toy

**Futaba** : oh god please tell me mona swatted at it

**Aki** : shes not reading this rn so i can confirm that yes she did and she still pretends it was an accident ^ↀᴥↀ^

**Futaba** : YES

**Ryuko** : tbh im pretty happy with how i am in the end

**Ryuko** : anything more would have been a pain in the ass while running

**Aki** : oooooh thats a good benefit

**Aki** : palace running never got painful even though i never checked what underwear my thief costume gave me. p sure it wasnt a sports bra

**Aki** : … does anyone know what our underwear even looked like in there

**Aki** : i mean i had tights but they were dark enough so that i couldnt tell what was happening beyond that

**Futaba** : on one count, yes

**Makoto** : Did you actually check your own outfit…?

**Futaba** : oh no way

**Futaba** : that would have been a huge pain in the ass to put back on! plus i worried about what getting naked in someones cognition would do

**Haru** : … You’ve considered doing it…?

**Futaba** : ALLEGEDLY

**Futaba** : anyways i know inari wore white panties because shes got a skirt and even if it was tight the girl did a lot of overdramatic twirling and jumping and shit

**Futaba** : you notice these things as nav

**Yume** : How undignified!

**Futaba** : ok bra thief

**Aki** : we’ve had a lot of awful conversations in this chat but this is the only one thats made me contemplate just going outside and lying in the road til a car hits me

**Ryuko** : you live in buttfuck nowhere, theres not gonna be a car for ages

**Ryuko** : man up and live through the suffering like the rest of us dammit!!!!!!

**Aki** : ryuko the pro therapist

**Makoto** : Yume, it cannot be comfortable to wear something far too large for you.

**Yume** : It is most certainly a chafing experience.

**Yume** : With that being said, though, I’ve discovered a secondary use for it.

**Yume** : It’s uncommon for ladies’ clothing to have pockets, but provided that I wear a button-down shirt, it functions as a wonderful storage space.

**Aki** : … yume what are you doing with my clothes

**Yume** : I currently have a paintbrush set, several airsoft magazines, and my roommate's pet ferret stored safely next to my bosom.

**Haru** : I have questions.

**Yume** : Ah! As to why I have the ferret, Bousher-san said she’d give me ¥200 if I watched her pet for the weekend. She’s visiting friends back in America for the week.

**Haru** : Not any of the questions I had, but thank you anyways.

**Ann:** ok i know your roommates a certified hottie but i don’t think that’s justification for holding a fucking ferret in your bra

**Ann** : besides I’ve seen her girlfriend and she could probably beat you up with both arms tied behind her back

**Makoto** : I don’t think romantic partners are chosen by whichever girl is able to physically best the other.

**Ann** : thats quitters talk

**Aki:** yeah roommate talk is cool but can I possibly pull your attentions back to the fact that yumes holding a small animal in the thing that holds my tits

**Aki** : btw receptions getting bad

**Ryuko** : ain’t you at your house?

**Aki** : not anymore

**Aki** : [inabastation.jpg]

**Aki** : im coming to shibuya

**Futaba** : hell yeah girls night

**Aki** : not coming for a celebration

**Yume** : If you truly need me to return it, I can mail it out.

**Aki** : bitch you put a ferret in there I don’t want it back

**Aki** : im coming to kosei to kick your ass

**Ryuko** : are you actually coming holy shit

**Aki** : [trainselfie.jpg]

**Aki** : does this look like the face of a person who’s kidding

**Makoto** : She’s seriously on the train…

**Haru** : What’s that sticking out of the backpack, Aki?

**Aki** : oh thats the baseball bat i grabbed from the garage (人´∀｀)．☆．。．:*･°

**Yume** : ?!?!?

**Aki** : you stole my ¥9000 bra and put a ferret in it

**Aki** : yume kitagawa, you’ve given up your right to kneecaps

 

 

_12:29pm, July 8th, 2017_

_Chat Title_ : _thief squad (“get out of the monamobile you stupid moose” edition)_

_Members: Aki (@nastycrimegirl), Ryuko (@runforit1999), Ann (@notyourbabe_xo), Yume (@kitagawayume), Makoto (@niijimamakoto), Futaba (@rarepepes), Haru (@aprilshowers1998)_  


 

**Futaba** : call out post for aki kurusu

**Aki** : wha

**Ryuko** : what happened this time

**Futaba** : fashion + lifestyle sins

**Aki** : ok listen we did this last month

**Aki** : i have weird taste in clothes yes ok good

**Futaba** : you know thats not what im talking about you fucker

**Futaba** : yall know that little awning outside of akis window? its like the roof of the back of the shop and you can climb out there

**Makoto** : Yes, why?

**Futaba** : i was walking back from the vending machine this morning and saw her up there in a hawaiian shirt (mens, i believe), the darkest bags ive ever seen under her eyes, quietly playing a harmonica while interspersing the tunes with chugs of like five mad bulls

**Ann** : this is one of those cases where i would laugh but this is kind of just normal behaviour at this point

**Aki** : ok LISTEN

**Aki** : firstly i want to start with how a hawaiian shirt and eye bags are the best fashion statement

**Aki** : its like “yeah i would really love to be carefree and relaxed right now but certain circumstances have made that impossible”

**Futaba** : 1) stop making obscure english internet references and b) what happened

**Yume** : You said 1) and then followed up with b).

**Futaba** : it was part of my MASTER PLAN INARI

**Haru** : Master plan to…?

**Futaba** : revive tupac

**Makoto** : !?!?!

**Futaba** : idk it was the first thing i thought of

**Aki** : what happened is internet shopping

**Aki** : i kind of lost it last night and now my credit card is crying so i dealt with the guilt the only way i knew how

**Ryuko** : by sittin on yr roof and drinking mad bulls while playing the harmonica

**Aki** : yeah

**Haru** : What did you order?

**Aki** : everyones gonna roast me im not saying anything (￣Д￣；；)

**Aki** : morgana tore into me enough already over this

**Aki** : do you know how much it fucking blows to get a lecture from a cat

**Ann** : my good bitch we all spent the last year fighting with her, we know

**Futaba** : aki im gonna hack into ur laptop if you dont tell me

**Aki** : god FINE

**Aki** : … i ordered sixty more pairs of these [ https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/61hw5KoGXpL._SY450_.jpg ](https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/61hw5KoGXpL._SY450_.jpg)

**Ann** : HJKJDAKJDS THOSE ARE THE SHADES U BROKE FIGHTING RYUKO IN HAWAII

**Aki** : hence my hawaiian shirt. it all ties together

**Makoto** : Maybe not as much as you’d think.

**Futaba** : is that u in the pic

**Aki** : yeah thats exactly what i look like. im post malone

**Ann** : JKHSKJDHS THAT MAN LOOKS NOTHING LIKE POST MALONE

**Ryuko** : bro you gotta stop calling every white person you see post malone, they arent all post malone

**Aki** : only most of them are post malone

**Ryuko** : bro 

**Yume** : I don’t believe that’s Aki, actually. Nor is it Posthumous Malone.

**Futaba** : oh god thank you inari. i was so confused

**Futaba** : heres the question: WHY

**Aki** : I DONT KNOW

**Aki** : IM INHERENTLY AN IMPULSIVE PERSON AND YOU ALL KNOW THIS

**Aki** : IF I HAD ACCESS TO THE SPEED OF TOKYO SHIPPING SERVICES ALL THE TIME ID NO DOUBT HAVE GORGED MYSELF TO DEATH ON HUNDREDS OF JAGARIKO CANS BY THE TIME I WAS NINE

**Futaba** : so dying a warriors death means nothing to you?

**Aki** : SHUT THE UP YOUR FUCK

**Haru** : Almost one and a half years of being under intense psychological stress, and Aki has finally broken…

**Ryuko** : dude you want me to come over with some instant ramen or something

**Ryuko** : some potato chips?

**Ryuko** : anything that isnt more mad bull is what im getting at here

**Aki** : that might be nice

**Aki** : but i cant pay you back for food bc i did spend ¥66000 on all the shades

**Ryuko** : WAIT WHAT THE FUCK HOW WERE THEY SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE

**Aki** : I DONT KNOWWWWWW

**Ann** : FUCK wed almost had her calmed down

**Aki** : I GOTTA GO FUTABA YOURE IN CHARGE OF MONA

**Futaba** : WHAT WHY

**Aki** : I HAVENT SLEPT IN 53 HOURS AND I KNOW I WAS GONNA SPEND THE SUMMER HERE BUT I GOTTA RUN AWAY FROM MY PURCHASE

**Aki** : I DONT HAVE TRAIN FARE MONEY BUT IM RUNNING BACK TO INABA

**Aki** : WHEN THE DELIVERY GUY COMES TELL HIM I DIED

**Makoto** : Aki, whatever you’re doing, you should stop it.

**Ryuko** : why tf isnt she responding

**Futaba** : guys she just ran by my house carrying a suitcase

**Futaba** : still in the hawaiian shirt. no shoes. pants situation is ambiguous. its a long shirt

**Futaba** : she just tripped and the suitcase opened?????

**Futaba** : all that was in there were like 30 more cans of mad bull

**Futaba** : shes crying while she tries to stuff them back in

**Futaba** : mona is running behind her and looks horribly disturbed

**Makoto** : … Should we come over to help?

**Futaba** : yeah im thinking we need someone to put her in a headlock and knock her out so she sleeps

**Yume** : That’s not the encouragement she needs for something of this nature.

**Futaba** : but its the encouragement she deserves

**Futaba** : makoto ryuko come over here asap

**Makoto** : Does it ever bother you that, last time this year, we had just taken down a mafia boss running most of Shibuya?

**Ryuko** : every goddamn day. lets go knock aki kurusu out

 

 

__ 10:17am, July 7th, 2016  
  


__ Chat Title: thief squad (“‘your arms are just too short to box with god’- makoto niijma, possibly” edition)  
  


_Members: Aki (@nastycrimegirl), Ryuko (@runforit1999), Ann (@notyourbabe_xo), Yume (@kitagawayume), Makoto (@niijimamakoto)_

 

**Ann** : akiiiiii where are yooooooou

**Ann** : mr. inui hasnt noticed ur gone yet but i need company this lecture sucks

**Makoto** : Are you skipping class, Aki?

**Ryuko** : hell yeah!!!!!! stick it to the system!!!!!!

**Makoto** : Same as it ever was…

**Aki** : i mean yes i technically am

**Aki** : but its not really by choice

**Aki** : you know how i was in charge of cleaning up the gym equipment from last period

**Ann** : yeah

**Aki** : and how in the gym storage room there’s that one swinging barred grate that holds the basketball equipment 

**Makoto** : Yes…

**Aki** : well i got curious and wanted to see if my head fit between the bars

**Aki** : and it did!

**Aki** : but only on the way in

**Ann** : AKI IS YOUR HEAD STUCK IN THE GATE

**Aki** : yes

**Aki** : pwease help me

**Ryuko** : fuck you im trying not to burst out laughing in class, usamis giving me the stink eye

**Ann** : want me to tell morgana to help you?

**Aki** : shes not in my bag today, shes got cat flu according to the vet

**Aki** : lucky jerk is all nestled up and being pampered by sojiro at home while im stuck on the ground with my head jammed through some metal bars

**Makoto** : I’ll notify Mr. Hiruta so he can send someone to help you.

**Aki** : makoto please dont do that

**Aki** : like im actually super fucking embarrassed about this and would really like to avoid a teacher seeing me

**Aki** : is there any other way?

**Makoto** : I still think it’s better to just tell a teacher if you’re stuck like that. It’s dangerous.

**Aki** : pretty please? (⋟﹏⋞)

**Makoto** : I can’t believe you still have time for emoticons.

**Makoto** : Fine, fine. I just excused myself from class, I’m on my way down.

**Aki** : thank you so much (*´ω｀*)

**Ann** : gl!

**Ryuko** : updates on the head situation?

**Aki** : haha so guys, something funny happened

**Makoto** : It isn’t funny at all.

**Aki** : so makoto was trying to pull me out but she needed to hold the gate shut so she wasn’t just endlessly using me as a handle to pull it open and closed

**Aki** : and so naturally she braced one foot against the gate itself to keep it steady

**Aki** : and as soon as she pulled me out her foot slid in between the bars

**Aki** : so shes also stuck

**Ann** : KJDHJKDHKJDS ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS

**Ryuko** : FUCK FUCK I LAUGHED USAMIS COMING THIS WA

**Aki** : mrs. usami killed her before she could finish

**Makoto** : This isn’t the time for jokes! I’m certain I’m hurting your back sprawled over you like this!

**Makoto** : And my foot is already falling asleep, but I can’t lower it to stand at all…

**Ann** : can you maybe untie your shoe and slip out like that?

**Makoto** : No, I’m wearing school slippers. Slipping them off won’t make a difference.

**Ann** : oh my god this is unbelievable

**Ann** : should i tell inui?

**Makoto** : I really cannot afford to be in any more trouble with the principal. Kaneshiro’s change of heart should take effect any day now.

**Makoto** : Can you please come down? Maybe with some sort of lubricant?

**Aki** : haha lubricant

**Aki** : ANN SHE HIT ME

**Ann** : pfffffffft ok im coming down

**Ryuko** : sorry guys usami chewed me out, back now

**Aki** : RYUKO

**Aki** : ANNS ALSO STUCK

**Ryuko** : WHAT?

**Ryuko** :  _ WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?! _

**Ann** : when i came down to help, i started by trying to wrestle makotos foot out, it just seemed easier

**Makoto** : And I swear this wasn’t on purpose! I broke my ankle two years ago, and that spot is very tender!

**Aki** : but it was funny

**Makoto** : IT WASN’T!

**Aki** : pls dont yell the acoustics in here are unpleasant as is

**Ann** : let me finish, geez!!!!!!

**Ann** : but i accidentally pressed hard on a sensitive part of her ankle and she reflectively jammed her foot up and kicked me in the face

**Ann** : and i tripped stumbling backwards and fell into the big empty garbage bin they usually hold the dodgeballs in

**Ann** : so im stuck with my arms and legs poking out the top

**Aki** : at least you had your phone in your pocket

**Aki** : also she folded up just like a lawn chair, it was incredible

**Ann** : not!!!! funny!!!!!

**Aki** : sorry i think im going kind of insane 

**Aki** : like how people in survival movies lose their minds when they realize they arent gonna get off this island

**Makoto** : Ryuko, this is terrible. Please just get a teacher, I’m not even concerned about getting in trouble at this point.

**Ann** : seconded

**Aki** : thirded

**Ryuko** : fuck i just tried to tell usami but she barked at me to be quiet, what a jerk

**Ryuko** : im just gonna wait til shes not looking then book it out of class to come get you guys out, i can explain it to her after! she cant get mad at me then!!!!

**Ann** : oh my god dont

**Makoto** : Is the running noise outside you?

**Aki** : yume

**Aki** : @yume

**Aki** : 夢

**Aki** : wait you dont spell your name with that kanji

**Aki** : 優目

**Aki** : there we go

**Aki** : ART HO WHERE ARE YOU

**Aki** : [ _ Aki shared her location] _

**Aki** : todoroki came and saved the day when midoriya shared his location 

**Aki** : why cant you save me too????? you're basically the same person you're both gay and use ice

**Aki** : youre really just gonna let me and iida get murdered by stain huh

**Aki** : IM SUPPOSED TO BE THE FUTURE SYMBOL OF PEACE

**Makoto** : Yume, please. She's losing it.

**Yume** : I just got out of my own class. What on earth has been going on here?

**Aki** : i got my head stuck in the gate

**Makoto** : My foot is stuck in the same gate.

**Ann** : i fell hard into a trashcan and cant wriggle out

**Aki** : and ryuko busted so hard through the door that she tripped and knocked her head off the floor

**Aki** : she’s definitely unconscious and potentially dead

**Yume** : … Shall I leave my campus to come assist you?

**Ann** : NO NONONONO NO

**Makoto** : ABSOLUTELY NOT

**Aki** : DONT FOLLOW US IN HERE IT’S A TRAP FROM WHICH NOBODY ESCAPES

**Aki** : im gonna guide you in what to do. follow my instructions to the letter

**Yume** : Understood, leader.

**Aki** : pause exactly where you are, unless you're in front of a bus maybe

**Yume** : Yes.

**Aki** : locate your cell phone

**Yume** : In my hand?

**Aki** : correct, you’re doing great so far

**Aki** : open the phone

**Yume** : Got it.

**Aki** : go into contacts

**Yume** : Done.

**Aki** : call yuki mishima’s cellphone and tell her that she needs to get at least four teachers and the nurse to the gym pronto

**Aki** : make sure you emphasize that if she arrives here without four faculty members in tow, i will psychically strangle her to death

**Yume** : … Are you certain?

**Makoto** : Aki's shampoo smells lovely, but if I continue to be pressed up against her back like this, I’m going to kill someone.

**Ann** : five hundred yen if you make it me

**Makoto** : Deal.

**Aki** : yume i have been holding in a piss for the past fifteen minutes and am about to lose my mind

**Aki** : smash that mfing mishima

**Ann** : god please dont say it like that

**Yume** : I see everyone’s made a decision.

**Yume** : Calling now.

**Ann** : godspeed you tall ass motherfucker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bra is stuffed under one of Ann's couches collecting dust, if you're curious.
> 
> (Also for more Bousher-san you should go check out Persona: Unconscience by Wagglton. I'd link it but I don't know how.)

**Author's Note:**

> There's the nightmare. More to come at some point, maybe? Please let me know what you think by leaving a review!


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